


Take Care of Yourself For Me

by wenderpul



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band), f(x)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hanahaki Disease
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-10-26 23:12:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10796736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wenderpul/pseuds/wenderpul
Summary: Based on one of the most popular prompts out there, the Hanahaki disease AU. The disease shows how beautiful, and deadly love is. It shows that loving is about a choice between holding on or letting go and sometimes, how little say you have on the said choice. Krystal hates the notion of love blooming in her heart and Amber's heart might have been filled with thorns.





	Take Care of Yourself For Me

Krystal Jung was 18 when she first saw her sister on her deathbed.

 

For her, Jessica had always been so beautiful. She had a fair skin, almost pale and her sharp features that resembled their mother had made Krystal jealous a few times in her life. She did not understand why people kept complimenting her looks. Had they gone blind? Could they not see her sister, breath-taking in her cold beauty and a warm goofball when she was with her group members?

 

She received the news late at night after she was done with a performance with f(x). They were all in the company’s van and she was at her usual spot, leaning against Amber making the older girl as her pillow and bed when their manager oppa took a turn that did not lead to their dorm. Luna, being the only one among the younger girls who was still alert questioned their manager but his stern face gave nothing away and Victoria who was sitting at the front sit turned her head away to look at the window, hiding her face from her younger members.

 

Krystal should have realized by then that the manager had been throwing her anxious looks ever since he was ushering them in the van. She should have realized the quiet conversation that Victoria and their manager had made Victoria’s face tainted with fear and the Chinese girl almost burst into tears but was silenced with a shake of head by their manager. She should have realized that she did not receive a text or any missed calls from her mother today; worrying about the maknae of the family.

 

Instead she joked around as usual with Sulli and Amber, helping them to tease the other members and fooled around backstage with EXO members, especially with her same-aged friends, Kai and Sehun who had just debuted that year.

 

Truth was, she should have seen it coming but she was too busy growing up, too busy chasing her dreams that she forgot monsters did not always stay under the bed.

 

Sometimes they came in the sound of tires screeching, the tears from her mother and her father’s head hung low from defeat.

 

Sometimes they came in the form of her beautiful sister lying on the hospital bed, smiling weakly before letting out bouts of coughs that brought out small blue daffodils tainted with blood.

 

As she grew up, she learned all of these and more. She learned that loving someone was a choice, although sometimes it did not lie in your hands as she watched her sister hoarse voice screaming in protest when her parents decided to make her do the surgery to forget whoever it was that she loved. She learned that her sister was a fighter when she stood up from her bed and took a surgical knife and threatened to kill herself. She learned that peace came for her sister in the form of a petite girl with round eyes; begging with her soft voice for Jessica to undergo the surgery. She watched as her sister’s trembling figure dropped the knife and wailed her heart out before being sedated and brought into surgery.

 

Most importantly, that night she learned that her father could not always protect her from all the monsters in the world. However, she could always turn to the girl with a short hair that would always held her up, even when she herself could barely standing.

 

She could always count on Amber, always.

* * *

 

She was 21 when she visited Red Velvet’s dorm for the first time with Amber.

 

She had pretty much sworn to herself she would never fall in love at this point, after seeing how much love had broken and changed her beloved sister.

 

For all, Jessica was still the caring daughter and loving younger sister but for Krystal, she saw how the sister she had looked up all her life started to lose the light in her eyes. She watched how Jessica argued with her group members often before The Great Separation happened and she noticed how her sister’s once warm eyes turned cold especially when she was looking at a certain someone in the group. She knew her sister could not remember the feelings she had before but she seemed to lose a huge part of herself and when that happened, she replaced the empty space with anger and resentment.

 

She pledged to never let the same thing happened to her.

 

Probably that was the reason why she was crinkling her disgust at the scene happening in front of her.

 

“I did not come here to be the fifth wheel.”

 

Her cold voice shocked Wendy and Irene (who were spoon-feeding each other carrot cake) and Amber and Seulgi (who were wrestling for the tv’s remote control). Wendy and Irene smiled sheepishly and Amber walked over to Krystal and snuggled beside the younger girl at the couch. Meanwhile, Seulgi was celebrating her newfound dominance of the remote control quietly, afraid that Amber might took it away again.

 

“Aww Baby Jung, are you jealous? You know I was only fooling around with that bear there?”

 

Amber cooed and Seulgi made a sound of a butchered cow, disgusted by the greasiness displayed by the girl who liked to act all tough. Wendy meanwhile, had moved to sit beside Seulgi on the carpet and Irene made herself comfortable at one of the empty couches.

 

Krystal squinted her eyes before answering.

 

“What are you, stupid? I thought I’m being invited here to watch a movie, not a live scene.”

 

Seulgi laughed a little too loudly at this and Wendy took the opportunity to snatch the remote control from her and started to pick a movie. The resident bear pouted at her friend but Wendy only ignored her attempt at being cute and scrolled through the list of movies.

 

“Wendy always choose a romantic one! Let’s watch a horror flick!”

 

Seulgi suggested and Krystal found herself cringing in disgust at both suggestion.

 

“No! Let’s watch something funny!”

 

Krystal was quick to offer her own idea but no one seemed to react to her. Amber was the only one who smiled apologetically at Krystal, knowing that Seulgi and Wendy heard the girl but pretended they did not.

 

“What do you want to watch, Amber? Let’s hear from everyone then.”

 

In the midst of chaos, Irene’s calm voice seemed to restore some order and when Amber realized that everyone was waiting for her answer, she just shrugged.

 

“I’ll go with whatever Krystal wants.”

 

“Whipped.”

 

“Sucker.”

 

“Ass-kisser.”

 

“Greasy unnie.”

 

Seulgi and Wendy’s voices went back and forth, ridiculing Amber. The girl with tattoos on her hand just threw her head back and laughed raucously. Krystal meanwhile, appeared happy with the support.

 

“Two for comedy, one for romance and one for horror. I’m winning so far! Now who’s left to vote?”

 

Krystal’s question made them turned around and looked at each other. When they came into realization who was the only one who had not voted, Wendy smirked and Seulgi buried her face in her palm, groaning in frustration. Amber just seemed amused by her friends and Krystal just muttered a small, ‘Oh.’

 

“Since I’m the unnie here, and Wendy’s my girlfriend, we’ll go with whatever Wendy wants.”

 

Wendy did a small dance ceremony while being seated and everyone wondered why they even bothered voting in the first place. Nevertheless, Wendy chose the movie they would watch before hopping on the couch and snuggled with Irene. Seulgi brought some pillows and laid down on the carpet while being surrounded by her messy pillow fort. Krystal did not need much; she just rested her head on Amber’s shoulder and the older girl caressed her hair softly, knowing that she liked it. She let Amber’s flowery scent filled her lungs. Amber always smelled nice for her, and the older girl’s scent had calmed her a lot of times. That was how they all stayed throughout the movie.

 

Krystal could not understand why Wendy would choose a movie with hanahaki disease as the main theme. Those kind of movies rarely had happy endings anyway. If she was to be honest, she hated movies with the disease as the central plot as it brought her back to that night Jessica had her surgery. Amber knew this and she took Krystal’s hand and held it with her free hand, squeezing it with assurance once in a while. Slowly, Krystal’s tense figure became more relaxed and she could almost enjoy the movie without feeling like her heart was going to burst.

 

As she had expected, when the movie ended, almost everyone was in tears. Amber did not cry but her eyes were red too. Krystal smiled teasingly at the other girl and Amber scoffed at her before scurrying further from her, taking her flowery fragrance with her although they were still sitting at the same couch. They were immersed listening to the soundtrack of the movie playing in the credits when Amber’s voice broke the tranquillity that was settling in their hearts.

 

“Irene unnie, have you ever coughed out flowers before?”

 

Irene seemed taken aback by this question and Wendy looked uneasy too. A silent look passed between them before Wendy nodded, as a sign of trust and encouragement for her lover. Irene bit her lower lip before answering.

 

“I did. It happened shortly after we moved in the dorm together as a group.”

 

Krystal and Amber were surprised by this as the older girl never told the story to them although they had known each other for a long time. Seulgi and Wendy went quiet, lost in memories.

 

“I thought it was absurd initially. I mean, I’ve always admired Wendy’s voice during trainee days but I never thought that I liked her more than that. So, when I coughed out my first flower, my first thought was that I had to take the surgery.”

 

Irene smiled sadly as she remembered how she almost threw away her feelings for Wendy; believing that she was being unselfish when truth was, that could probably be the most selfish decision she could ever make in her life.

 

“What…was it? Your first flower?”

 

Krystal found herself asking the question and Amber looked at her, wearing a surprised expression. She knew Krystal hated talking about this and the enquiry was unusual for her. Krystal was shocked by her own question. She usually tried avoiding all sorts of conversation involving hanahaki but even with her shallow knowledge, she knew that the first flower a person coughed out would usually represent the person they loved. After the first flower, they might change so the first one always held the most significant symbolic.

 

Irene locked eyes with Wendy before she answered. Her girlfriend just smiled at her, encouraging the girl to keep talking with a tender look in her eyes. Krystal felt a pang in her heart as she watched the silent communication between the lovers. She did not know they had been though such a pain too in their lives. Now that she thought about it, they were probably the only two people she knew that actually got together and be cured of the disease naturally.

 

“Lily of the valley.”

 

Irene’s voice was almost in a whisper as she spoke and Krystal and Amber jumped and spoke at the same time.

 

_“ You've made my life complete?”_

_ “But that’s poisonous!” _

 

They both stared at each other and the three Red Velvet members laughed at them. Irene looked at them with twinkling eyes and nodded.

 

“Yes, to both of you. The flower symbolizes that someone has made my life complete and yes, it was poisonous. I had to be rushed to the hospital after that. I couldn’t keep my disease a secret at all.”

 

“Gave us all the fright of our lives. I’ve never seen Wendy cried as ugly as that day.” Seulgi recalled fondly and Wendy went down the couch and smacked the back of her head.

 

“Irene unnie sure scared all of us.” Wendy mused and Seulgi nodded. However, Irene just stared at Wendy pointedly.

 

“Don’t you have something to say too?”

 

“Eh, me? What do I have to say?”

 

“Wen. Dy.”

 

“Yes, I. Rene.”

 

Again, being the only two outsiders of the story, Krystal and Amber just blinked at the couple, being at loss.

 

“Irene unnie didn’t know then that actually Wendy had been coughing flowers for months before she coughed her first.”

 

Wendy groaned and Irene chuckled, moving towards Wendy and hugged her from behind.

 

“WHAT?”

 

Two different voices shouted in shock and their eyes bulged. Seulgi just shrugged and Wendy let out a deep sigh.

 

“Seulgi, why are you killing my swag vibe?”

 

“You have none, hamster.”

 

The two almost got into an argument again but Irene tightened her hug on Wendy and the younger girl blushed.

 

“Oh, right, before you guys ask, it was primrose.”

 

Wendy freed herself from Irene’s hug; she took her girlfriend’s hand and announced proudly while looking at everyone there.

 

“It means ‘I can’t live without you.’”

 

 

Later on, when Krystal and Amber were in the car heading towards SM building for their practice, Krystal stole glances at Amber who seemed to be deep in thoughts. The older girl had been brooding ever since they found out that two of their friends had almost died (and did not bother to share the tiny information with them) and they were talking about different flowers and the meanings shortly before they had to leave. Krystal was surprised to see how well-versed Amber was in that subject.

 

“Amber.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“What’s your favourite flower, Am?”

 

“Hurm…? Interested now, don’t you princess?”

 

“Just answer me, hurry up.”

 

“Azalea.”

 

“What does it symbolize?”

 

“Take care of yourself for me.”

 

“Why?”

 

Amber shrugged, she seemed lazy to elaborate but when Krystal stared at her dangerously, she gave in.

 

“I don’t know. It feels right. If someone likes me, I want them to take care of themselves for me. What if I can’t return their feelings? I would rather they do the surgery and forget their feelings for me, even if they end up hating me afterwards as long as they’re alright.”

 

She stared out at the window before continuing.

 

“It might seem selfish for them to do so but if they care about me and that’s the first flower they cough out, I guess I care about them a lot too. So I would rather they live on and forget me. And if for some reasons, I like them too but I can’t return those feelings…I will still want them to continue living.”

 

Silence engulfed the space between them.

 

“You think too much about this.”

 

That was Krystal’s final words to Amber before she shut her eyes and tried to get some sleep, not realizing the sad look from Amber that was directed towards her.

* * *

 

_Amber unnie. I know._

 

_Seul, please. I don’t want to talk about it._

 

_Other people may not realize it but I watched over Wendy for months, unnie._

 

_I’ll be alright, little bear. Don’t worry too much._

 

_Unnie, Wendy was dying back then. I don’t want to see anyone I care about like that ever again._

 

_And you won’t. I’ll take care of it myself._

 

_Unnie…_

 

_I have a recording now. Send my love to everyone there, okay?_

 

_Only if you send it to Krystal too._

* * *

 

In her 21st spring, Krystal accepted Kai as her boyfriend when she heard that the boy had been coughing out flowers tainted with blood and refused to undergo surgery.

 

Flowers that spelled out her name were blooming in his heart and she was a little touched that someone thought she was special enough to deserve a special garden in his heart.

 

She did not realize that someone else was throwing away the flowers that bloomed in devotion of her in a crying fit, with a posture that screamed defeat.

 

 Amber had given up trying to stop the wild flowers from spreading and blooming beautifully in her heart.

* * *

 

Being with Kai was easy. Krystal did not have to think; he had set a path and she just had to walk on the flower path carefully. He was gentle and cautious with her and in return, she tried to return her affection with the same intensity. He was a good friend and being a couple did not change much of their interactions. Krystal was at ease with him. He did not offer him the same sense of comfort and warmth as Amber did but she figured it was because their relationship was new. Besides, she had him now. The risk of her coughing out flowers like Jessica was low and she was glad of this.

 

She was consumed with work and with Kai that she almost did not realize the most important person for her was fading and blending with the background. Not until one day, she received a call from a frantic Wendy.

 

_“Luna unnie found Amber unnie in the studio! She was not conscious and…they found roses around her. Roses with thorns.”_

 

Krystal did not know how the monsters from under her bed caught up with her but they did. And this time, her guardian was their victim.

 

She rushed to the hospital and struggled through mobs of fans and media, trying to go in. She did not know how people found out and she did not care. Amber was the only thing on her mind. When she arrived at Amber’s ward, she found her friends there. Irene was speaking quietly to Wendy and Seulgi was sitting on a chair, looking lifeless. She registered Luna, Sulli and Victoria’s faces and a few others too but she could not care less about them. She looked at Wendy and when the girl nodded and made a subtle gesture with her head asking Krystal to go in, she did not wait for confirmation. She rushed in and was greeted with a sight of Amber being connected to all sorts of machine. As she approached the lying girl, she realized Amber was awake.

 

_Punctured lungs. Destroyed vocal chords. Lacerated mouth. Poisoned blood._

 

The list could go on and on but Krystal bit her lip and sat on one of the chairs that was set there. Amber noticed her and tried to give her trademark smile but she seemed to be in so much pain, Krystal just shook her head and gave her an understanding look. Amber blinked, understanding what the younger girl meant. Krystal felt a lump was forming in her throat but she tried to swallow it down.

 

Amber gestured with her fingers, asking for Krystal’s palm and the girl blinked once before she complied. Using whatever energy she had left, Amber spelled out something on her palm.

 

_D-A-I-S-Y_

 

Krystal was confused initially before she realized that it was the first flower Amber coughed. The girl in front of her was trying to tell her something. She tried to remember what daisy meant by recalling their conversation with the girls the other days but she came out blank. She whipped out her phone and googled for the meaning.

 

Innocence. Purity. Loyal Love. _I’ll never tell._

 

Looking at the last meaning, she quickly raised her head and looked at Amber. The girl seemed weaker and she seemed to have more difficulty in breathing but she still tried to smile and blinked at Krystal, glad that the girl understood.

 

“Who?”

 

Krystal wanted to be mad at whoever it was that Amber loved, for making the girl suffered for months alone and ended up being in so much pain. She wanted to hunt down whoever it was that hurt the person she cared most in the world besides her family and shook that person hard, asking for the answers on why they could not love such an amazing girl like Amber.

 

When Amber weakly spelled _Y-O-U_ on her palm and looked at her with a serene face, Krystal went to a shock. She wanted to say something but no words would come out and Amber just looked at her sadly.

 

Suddenly, everything went to hell. Amber’s machines started to beep, indicating that something went wrong and people rushed into the ward, so many people started to run around and shouted for orders, trying to bring life in Amber. Krystal was being pushed aside harshly before a soft pair of hands held her and guided her outside. She looked beside her and saw a weeping Seulgi helped her to sit at one of the chairs outside.

 

Irene and Seulgi looked so anxious and it came to no surprise as they had known Amber for almost as long as Krystal knew Amber. Wendy was a lot calmer than all of them and she became their lighthouse, the person who talked into soothing voice to all of them (especially to Irene) and the person who communicated with every new visitor who came after hearing about Amber. She was the one that talked to people rushing in and out of the ward and it was to her that they first informed that in this world they lived in, Amber Josephine Liu would be no more.

 

It was all hazy and strange for Krystal; this was unlike when Jessica was the one at hospital bed. She seemed to not be tied down with the world this time, not when her anchor was the one who let her go. She could hear voices but they all washed over her, not one voice stayed long enough to chain her to the physical word. She did not cry, she did not scream, she did not say a word. She did nothing.

 

Then the cough started. She coughed like she was the one dying alongside Amber and Wendy moved closer to her, worrying about the state Krystal was in. She used her palm to cover her mouth and coughed for what felt like a long long time.

 

When the coughing fits ended, she realized that there was a single red azalea in her palm, deep red just like the blush on Amber’s cheeks when she smiled her goofy smile at Krystal. Krystal held the flower gently and the tears she held back came rushing all at once.

 

_‘Take care of yourself for me’._

 

She would. She would do the last thing that was asked by the only person she had ever loved – taking care of herself. She met Wendy’s worried eyes and spoke between her sobs.

 

“I’ll do the surgery. I choose to forget her in this life; so that I can see her in my next life and tell her I’ve fulfilled my promise.”


End file.
